There is so much I want to say about the letter in today’s post. I am just going to let you read it and my response. But I want to have a little fun first. Coming out of the closet is serious and it is not easy and no matter how careful you are you hurt someone. Generally those you love and those who love you. There is no easy way.
Auntie Mame, my life muse said, ” Oh, Agnes! Here you’ve been taking my dictations for weeks and you haven’t gotten the message of my book: live! ….. click to see short clip…… Yes! Live! Life’s a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!”
This video from last night, is my husband, and our two best straight buds, and me singing after the Vikings lost. We are living. Living in ways I never dreamed would feel so right to my very inner core. Can you imagine, those of you coming out what that feels like? Throw all your burning bosom experiences aside. When your right with you, your right and your life’s right.
As you see me and my husband and straight buddies. We are living. You can too!
The Letter From Florida!
Hello , I am finally coming to grips , about being a gay Mormon . This is not something I would ever do . I must be honest , I did not serve a mission . So I suppose I am (not) fit to even contact you . I do have two reasons . I have worked and been around Missionaries since age 12 . I am now 53 .
I have prayed and fasted about my feelings about other men . I am indeed though more attracted to Missionaries . I felt more able to feel their strength in Spiritual and physical ways . I have prayed so hard and long to be free .
But as hard as I would try , more opportunities would come to make it worse . Changing clothes after sports on p-day . I live in the tropics . They get hot and sweaty . So we go to their place , and they shower and change . No matter how hard I try . I see one or more Elders at least twice a week .
I don’t act gay nor look it , I have a wife , whom I adore . and 3 children . 7 grandchildren . But when a new Elder is transferred in . My first thought is to wonder . How he looks shirtless . Then I honestly stop there .
But I do know I will see all of him in the next week ..my other reason is . that an elder just confided in me . And told me he was having a hard time . He had seen him naked and he cannot stop thinking about him . He had already , gone through the step program about Masturbation .
He ” confessed ” to me . I felt so sorry for him that I cried . . He is extremely good looking , and kept hugging me , and crying . I was sorry for him and his grief . I was sorry for myself and mine .
Sadly to say he was rock hard and kept saying he was sorry. I have kept a journal about my attraction , I have told him about he groups that are availiable . He told Prresident today that he is gay . and he is being sent home to Brisbane.
Sadly also , I have enjoyed your posts and stories . I am sorry for intruding . I will tell Neal to message you if that is permissable , Thanks Chuck, Orlando Florida.
My Response:
I am so sorry I did not see this message. I hope you are doing well. You are always free to contact me. My partner and I read your message last night. It came to me via FB email. I am not an active user of my FB email account.
The one thing I can tell you is that this is not an attraction. This is who we are. I can completely understand your attraction to missionaries. Part of the problem with closeted behavior is that we get fixated, almost to the point of fetish, on the fantasies that we use to arouse ourselves.
Part of coming to terms with being gay is also addressing normative adult sexual relations. Straight people follow a given life plan and enjoy a very sexy view of each other as they age. As gay people, we miss those stages of development the longer we stay closeted.
Our sexual development can remain fixated on our pubescent fantasies, because we never actually lived a normative young adult sexual awakening.
We miss our first kiss, our first date, going to prom. Holding hands on campus. All the joy of young budding love. It’s all normal, you saw it in every hetero sexual relationship.
We all have to go through the steps of our own sexual awakening to get us to an age appropriate sexual maturity.
I want you to understand that. Because I am going to be direct.
Your in a place that could cause a lot of drama in a lot of peoples lives. I know your natural desires to be gay are overwhelming. So I am going to ask you to set some boundaries, so no one gets hurt.
If your going to act your urges and engage in gay sex, don’t do it with missionaries, don’t do it with anyone in your ward, don’t do it with your in-laws. Don’t do it at work. Remove the drama from the lives of those you love and contain it within the gay community.
There are Gay Support Groups at most colleges and in most cities. Google your city and gay and see what comes up.
Then attend, introduce yourself, go to a gay bar or meet men online. Do what every straight person does who is a sexually active person your age. That may mean you sleep with a lot of 20 year-old’s while you go through the steps you missed.
I came out at 36, Lord knows I had an epic sex life. The rest of the world is. Your straight bothers and sisters in your ward are having epic sex lives. When were closeted we have epic fantasies. That can get stuck on replay in our heads. We got to get past that. Your gonna have fun working it out.
But don’t do it within the church, or your friends, or at work. Everyone you love is going to have to accept you when you come out. The less scandal you cause the better.
Our hearts broke for you as we read this. Both of us lived many years closeted. I was 36 and Bill was 49 when he came out. We live a blessed life. You will find your blessed life. It is going to be tough and heart breaking.
We both thought we were to old to enjoy a normal gay sex life. We both did and the journey made us happier.
I made a lot of mistakes being closeted. Things you can never really take back, things you can only forgive yourself for. Sleeping with a missionary, that would have been icing on my cake. I never went that far.
We love our Mormon identity, even after we leave, we love it. If your going to come out or cave to your natural desires. Don’t hurt the people who love you the most. Don’t make this any harder for them.
There is plenty of men waiting for you in your local gay community. Get involved. Go volunteer at the local gay marriage office. Join a gay soft ball team.
I hurt my family in ways I never imagined. You just can’t control the way others respond.
Sorry if I was to forward, but I know the pain I caused. Today, yes it was worth it. We are all in much better places. But it could have been better, much better.
I want for you a much better path than I had and that starts with being involved in the gay community as an adult. Their are plenty of young guys into silver foxes. In fact their is a bar in London, filled with us mature men and the young guys that love us.
Good luck, write anytime!
Here are a few links to national groups:
Human Rights Campaign A National Human Rights group that has coming out resources.
Affirmation supporting LGBT Mormons, their families, and allies by encouraging spirituality, providing information resources, and working for equality
The City Of Quebec A Bar In London, England
One of London’s oldest traditional gay pubs, attracting one of London’s oldest gay clienteles. An impressively large and provincial-feeling establishment on two floors — including a basement where younger men dance to 80s chart hits — the Quebec has long been both affectionately and sneeringly referred to as the ‘Elephant’s Graveyard’.
Diary of a Gay Mormon Missionary. 